it's a damn cold, night. trying to figure out this life. won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. i don't who you are but i, i'm with you.
rainy nights always make me think of this Avril Lavigne song. honestly speaking, her old songs are 10,000X better than some of her new, pink-fluff (read: bimbotic) songs/cheers/rap ( i don't know what's the correct classification). recess week is over and i'm waiting to feel that push school-life brings- it's supposed to make me study and read that darn inorganic textbook but it's been 2 days and i don't feel anything. maybe i need to be shoved.
just got back (ok not just, more like 1 hour ago) from tuition with Clarissa. I like her a whole lot better than Dorlisa. yes, i seem to have some strange affinity with tutees that have a 'sa' in their names. i secretly call them Dorlisa the Dirty and Clarissa the Clean (the latter is named as such by default cos' generally everyone has a greater sense of personal hygeine than Dorlisa). as i've told my friends, everytime i go for tuition with her i try to minimise contact with all the furniture in her room. and it would be ideal if i can wear a spacesuit. just last lesson, Dorlisa the Dirty devoured an entire mango as if it was a snack or burger that can be eaten conveniently. she took the mango, peeled off a spot of skin with her fingers and began sucking the fruit through the hole she created. her antics would've amazed me if not for the disgust i felt. i don't know how she did it but she managed to eat (or should i say drink) the flesh and juice of the mango because it evidently shrank in size and became flabby. then she asked me, "how to take out the seed arh?" (???!!!) there was juice dripping down her arms. thank God she kept her hands to herself and the mango. i don't know what i'd do if she touched me.... jump a mile, probably.
thank God tomorrow is Hari Raya Puasa (or should i say thank Allah? no i'm not implying anything pls. do not misunderstand, it's just a random thought.) loads of catching up to do.
♥ 10:19 PM
Grace's belated 20th :)
Grace's actual birthday is on 5 sept. it's really great to meet up with everyone again and the food at Coca was quite good. today was filled with barrels of laughs... and un-glamness (see facebook). but i don't care cos' glam is boring and life's too short to worry about looking nice in every photo (except maybe like one's wedding lar but then can use photoshop and adobe does wonders as everyone knows). wish xy could've been there with us at coffee bean then it'd be loads more fun!
♥ 10:52 PM
disclaimer: am feeling really angry and pissed and frustrated and emo right now so just let me rant.
some background- i had a quarrel with the man i must call my father even though no part of me feels any connection to him as a daughter or whatsoever. he's just someone who gave a sperm to my mother in a moment of sexual pleasure. i don't love him anymore than i loved him in the past... only less. the truth is, i've never really felt anything for him. he accused me of getting my priorities wrong just cos' i took up another tuition job and i have 2 now. yes 2, not 20 or 200. i hate people who put words into my mouth just because they want to be right. he's not me, how does he know if i've got my priorities wrong. i still put studies first. the thing is, priorities aren't always blatantly obvious until they're being put to the test, until you've to choose between one or the other. i declared i put studies first. then he changed tack and accused me of still getting my priorities wrong because "why am i helping other people's children when i've my own siblings that i don't help". to hell i don't. for the record, they ask me questions about their schoolwork more than they ask you. and you're supposed to be a lecturer. yeah taste that rich irony why dontcha. "if you're so free, why don't you use the time to help your siblings?" yeah then lemme ask you if you're so free why don't you bloody do what you suggest yourself instead of spending time in front of the television. don't give me the bullshit of having to work to pay the bills cos i can give you the same shit excuse of me having to study to get my cert. time is what you make of it. so what if i've all the material things like a nice house, a nice room and nice this and that. it's all nothing but a facade because there's no real warmth in any part of it. i'd gladly trade that all in for a truly normal, unsuffocating, unoppressed life. maybe you're afraid that now i've got a little earning power you've got less control over me. that's what it is to you isn't it, parenting is just a game of power and control. i'll never forget what you made me go through just because i pierced my ears, and not commit a henious crime like murder. for what it's worth i might as well have done the latter just so the punishment justified the "crime". but i am so so glad that i did. and you wanna know why i did it... it's not because i think wearing earrings are pretty- that was like the furthest thing from my mind when i went to pierce my ears. i did it cos i was curious, i did it cos i wanted to know what the pain felt like, and most importantly i did it because i wanted to break your sick template of a perfect, ideal child. and i can wear my earrings everyday now as proud badges of proof that you can't put me on a leash forever. so here's to you-fuck off. you don't know me. at all.
♥ 10:16 PM
